I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my father in 2022 and have been processing my grief, loss, and next steps. As someone who worked with and for you all those years ago, I congratulate you on your professional and personal journey. I find myself mulling over the same thoughts you share about your legacy, impact, and place. As an optimistic realist, I have scaled down some early delusions of grandeur and focus on the beauty of moments, slivers of opportunity, and most of it has been due to the birth of my almost six-year-old son. Prior to Hayden I was a stepdad, and those rules of engagement and relationships are different. Not bad or worse, just different.
Anyway, I really glad I stumbled onto this story. My relationship with my father was sadly not as open as yours was and I'm having a hard time processing how I feel. For years I tried to get to know him but he was reluctant to talking on the phone (we lived 1100 apart), emailing, or texting. Those rare times I was able to get back to Kansas City he would often be sleeping towards the end which only scared and frustrated me more.
For others who may read your article and read this, I am finding two things helping me through this: first, at the recommendation of a dear friend who lost her husband also last year, I listened to Anderson Cooper's podcast on grief. I believe it's called, "All there is"; and two, in the final episode of that podcast I learned from one of his listeners to write a letter to myself as if my father wrote it. I haven't started yet, but I'm beginning to like the idea of putting all those unanswered questions to rest. Maybe then I too can let him rest and allow me to learn more from him as I tell my young son stories of my father, and the impact he had on me.
Thanks again and all the best to you and your family. Again, my sincerest condolences.
Kevin, this was a pleasure to read. It sounds like your dad was an incredible man and a huge influence on you. Beautifully written piece and I look forward to more articles on the substack! -Chris Ryba
This is wonderful, and I relate to so much of what you said. I was born in 1977, and grew up with solidly Boomer parents (born in 1948 and 1950) who were both raised on the optimism of the 50's and the PTSD I think they both got from the 60's. While I am definitely the tail-end of the Xers, that is 1000% how I identify - growing up hearing nothing except how wonderful everything is, you can be whatever you want, the world is yours, only to hit the reality of that sentiment in later life. I've done pretty well for myself, but I'm with you - I don't believe anything works anymore, and while I am not a "burn it all down" person, I do believe virtually everything in our culture needs to be radically reworked in order to continue functioning even nominally.
It's weird about my parents. They both seem to have become much more jaded in the last 20 years, starting with Bush, and then becoming radicalized (my word) somewhat with Trump, my mother frequently lamenting, "I just don't understand the world we're leaving you," while also still maintaining that whole, "Anything is possible if you try/up by your bootstraps" attitude, while also completely discounting the inherent privileges and advantages they were born with, both personally and generationally. People are contradictory, and I think the Boomers more so than almost any other generation. It's all very complicated, and they're weird, haha.
Anyway, I liked your piece. I also live in Kansas City, in the Crossroads. I've been here 6 years, moved most recently from Houston. I love it. KC has been very good to me overall. Maybe our paths will cross at some point. Thank you for the essay.
Thank you. Starland misses you. But you’re still sprinkling your pixie dust from afar. I’m so sorry about you losing your dad. What a beautiful tribute and poignant source of inspiration for all of us.
Sorry for the passing of your Father. Great testament and hope you are doing well.
Jeff Haney
Thanks Jeff - great to hear from you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my father in 2022 and have been processing my grief, loss, and next steps. As someone who worked with and for you all those years ago, I congratulate you on your professional and personal journey. I find myself mulling over the same thoughts you share about your legacy, impact, and place. As an optimistic realist, I have scaled down some early delusions of grandeur and focus on the beauty of moments, slivers of opportunity, and most of it has been due to the birth of my almost six-year-old son. Prior to Hayden I was a stepdad, and those rules of engagement and relationships are different. Not bad or worse, just different.
Anyway, I really glad I stumbled onto this story. My relationship with my father was sadly not as open as yours was and I'm having a hard time processing how I feel. For years I tried to get to know him but he was reluctant to talking on the phone (we lived 1100 apart), emailing, or texting. Those rare times I was able to get back to Kansas City he would often be sleeping towards the end which only scared and frustrated me more.
For others who may read your article and read this, I am finding two things helping me through this: first, at the recommendation of a dear friend who lost her husband also last year, I listened to Anderson Cooper's podcast on grief. I believe it's called, "All there is"; and two, in the final episode of that podcast I learned from one of his listeners to write a letter to myself as if my father wrote it. I haven't started yet, but I'm beginning to like the idea of putting all those unanswered questions to rest. Maybe then I too can let him rest and allow me to learn more from him as I tell my young son stories of my father, and the impact he had on me.
Thanks again and all the best to you and your family. Again, my sincerest condolences.
Great to hear from you, and thanks for bravely sharing those thoughts. It seems like you’re on a good path to figuring some things out.
Kevin, this was a pleasure to read. It sounds like your dad was an incredible man and a huge influence on you. Beautifully written piece and I look forward to more articles on the substack! -Chris Ryba
Chris - thanks very much.
This is wonderful, and I relate to so much of what you said. I was born in 1977, and grew up with solidly Boomer parents (born in 1948 and 1950) who were both raised on the optimism of the 50's and the PTSD I think they both got from the 60's. While I am definitely the tail-end of the Xers, that is 1000% how I identify - growing up hearing nothing except how wonderful everything is, you can be whatever you want, the world is yours, only to hit the reality of that sentiment in later life. I've done pretty well for myself, but I'm with you - I don't believe anything works anymore, and while I am not a "burn it all down" person, I do believe virtually everything in our culture needs to be radically reworked in order to continue functioning even nominally.
It's weird about my parents. They both seem to have become much more jaded in the last 20 years, starting with Bush, and then becoming radicalized (my word) somewhat with Trump, my mother frequently lamenting, "I just don't understand the world we're leaving you," while also still maintaining that whole, "Anything is possible if you try/up by your bootstraps" attitude, while also completely discounting the inherent privileges and advantages they were born with, both personally and generationally. People are contradictory, and I think the Boomers more so than almost any other generation. It's all very complicated, and they're weird, haha.
Anyway, I liked your piece. I also live in Kansas City, in the Crossroads. I've been here 6 years, moved most recently from Houston. I love it. KC has been very good to me overall. Maybe our paths will cross at some point. Thank you for the essay.
Thank you very much - great comments, and I'm always happy to meet and talk with others in KC. Hunt me down sometime, I'm easy to find.
That would be great!
Thank you. Starland misses you. But you’re still sprinkling your pixie dust from afar. I’m so sorry about you losing your dad. What a beautiful tribute and poignant source of inspiration for all of us.